


silence.

by willowcat33



Series: ♪ my name is tea, I am a poet ♪ [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Emotional Hurt, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 21:53:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20571503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowcat33/pseuds/willowcat33
Summary: a poem about the silence and the pain it brings.





	silence.

**Author's Note:**

> tw: despair, self loathing, anxiety, abandonment issues, fear of loneliness, fear of silence, my brain being mean to me, hopelessness

i'm not sure if there's anything that scares me more than silence.

it is fear

and emptiness

and loneliness

and abandonment

and pain

all tied up with a pretty bow of panic.

noises stave off

boredom

and chase away the

static

from my head but when there is

nothing

in my head apart from bloodied goose down and crushed 

childhood dreams

it comes flooding back in like high tide.

_was it me?_

_did i do something?_

_ please come back_

_don't leave me alone_

_ i can't_

_take it_

my thoughts knock and scrape against the walls around my sanity

<strike> _he could be dead he could be dead DO SOMETHING_ </strike>

breaking them down like sandcastles

<strike> _don't deserve love, don't deserve anyone's time_ </strike>

which is sometimes what life feels like

<strike> _ugly ugly ugly. CHANGE._ </strike>

maximum effort, minimum reward.

<strike> _you're so selfish and bossy and emotional and too smart_ </strike>

like it will be gone by high tide

<strike> _she'll never like you, don't be so arrogant_ </strike>

washed away, or stomped on

<strike> _get out of my head get out of my head get out-_ </strike>

pointless.

silence is the waves that swirl and suck and drag me down into the depths.

is? are?

english is hard

let me sink into german, where my vocabulary has focused in on the ways to say "i love you" and "thank you"

and

a million and one nicknames

speaking german, i am simple 

and yet,

happy

i struggle recalling grammar but at least i can say i love you.

<strike> _speaking german fills the silence_ </strike>

i can't stand when people don't answer back, or leave on read.

<strike> _moron. people have lives that aren't you._ </strike>

i understand you're busy and I'm sorry 

<strike> _you should be._ </strike>

and i'm sorry my brain jumps to conclusions

_ <strike>you're such an asshole.</strike> _

that you've left for good this time

that my pain finally scared you off

that my self loathing hurt you so you did what you had to do 

and

you left.

i'm sorry i assume the worst of you

simply because of 3 minutes

of solitude.

maybe this is why i talk so much.

because if i scream at the void constantly

maybe

it will be tempted

to scream back.

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know what you thought :)  
also I promise I'm okay, ish, just dealing with a uhh a lot right now, but this poem is an amalgamation of all my feelings so.  
💖💖💖


End file.
